guest blogger today: my daughter

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*i think this was to say "I love you grandma and grandpa"

i can only imagine.

i have a child in elementary school.
and one will be starting next year
this past friday i was at the local early years program
when i came home i checked facebook and read posts about the tragic event in connecticut
i had to find out what they were talking about.

wow.

so sad.

i felt sick to my stomach.
and thankful at the same time.
thankful that it was not my son's school.
i can't even imagine how the parents are feeling.
the loss and the hole in their lives that has formed.

at dinner we always ask a couple questions:
1. "what was your favorite part of the day?"
2. "what made you upset today?"
everyone answers the questions and sometimes the answers spark more discussion.

on friday i was asked what made me upset today.
i answered hearing about what happened in CT.
no discussion came from it.
on to the next person.

after dan mentioned that the same thing made him upset i finally asked the kids if they wanted to know what we were talking about.
they did.
i told them that a guy made a choice to hurt little kids.
that he went into their school with a gun wanting to hurt them.
and that he did hurt a lot of them.

my son stared at me.
behind those big blue eyes he was processing what i said.
my little girl cocked her head "did me make them dead?"
i said yes.

i told them that the mommies and daddies wouldn't be having dinner with their little ones like we were doing.
later when i put my daughter to bed i thanked God that i had my little one to kiss goodnight, and prayed for the families who have lost their children.
they kissed them goodbye before school but didn't get to hug them after school..or ever again.

i will not pretend to know their hurt.
i can, honestly, only imagine.

how did i get out of your tummy?

he hadn't been listening..

bedtime had been a fight.  

he had yelled at me. 

he had been crying for a while.

he was supposed to be sleeping.

i went into the room.

tucked him back in as the tears slowed.

he asked for some cuddle time, since we didn't have our cuddle time after school.

so i lay down.

"i love you baby boy"

"mommy i'm not a baby."

"i know.  but you were my baby boy, but now you're growing bigger."

he liked that answer and responded with his sweet smile.

then a little bit later

"mommy, how do babies get out of mommies tummies?"

big blue eyes staring at me questioningly.

"well, you know when you go poo?"

he nods

"when a mommy needs to get her baby out it's kind of like that.  

she pushes and a baby comes out kind of like a poo"

he laughs.

"gross eh?"

he nods and we laugh.

i told him i don't know why God made it so babies are born like that but that's what He wanted.

then we talked a little more. 

i told him how when i held him i fell in love with my little boy.  

he was the first baby i had ever had.

he was my baby boy.

his smile was so sweet as he listened.

i told him that if God was going to give me a boy and a girl that i wanted my boy first.

i wanted my little girl to have a big brother who loves her and takes care of her.

I told him that when he takes her hand and walks into sunday school, that's taking care of her.

him excited to take her on the bus and sit with her next year, that's taking care of her.

"but what about when she's inside and i'm outside.  i can't take care of her then."

i told him that he still loves her and that's what he can do when they're not together.

"mommy, when did you name me?"

"daddy and i had names chosen before you were born.

if you were going to be a girl we were going to name you Virginia Rose.

and if you were a boy you were named Elijah John.

all we knew was that we were having a baby.  

when you were born the doctor said you were a boy.

then she handed you to me and as soon as i held you i looked at you and said 

'hi Elijah John'."

"how did you hold me?"

i showed him how i would have been holding him.

"when i held you you took my finger and held it, because your hands were so tiny they couldn't hold more than that."

he looked at his hands.

i asked him if he wanted to know why we chose Elijah and John as his names.

he did.

"Elijah was a guy in the Bible. have you heard of him?"

he nodded.

"he loved God and told others about God.  and John.. we chose that name because that's Papa's name, and uncle John's, but i chose that because i love my daddy, he's an amazing man, and i wanted you to have his name."  

our discussion didn't last too much longer.  

he was so curious.

so happy to have me tell him about that first day.

how small he was. 

who were the first people to meet him.  

what he looked like.  

what i thought when i looked at him.

finally i asked him if he could sleep now.

he did and after a hug, he rolled over and i turned out his light.

times like these are so precious.

i am so thankful for these times.

love you baby boy.

winter wonderland

Let me set the stage:

early morning.

clouds covering the sky.

big white flakes falling slowly, contrasting the dark sky.

the ground which was icy and gray before sleep is now white and soft.

the sky lightens

the clouds stay.

the flakes continue to drift to the ground.

out we run!

yelling.

crunching under feet.

laughter.

giggles.

tongues out to catch the flakes.

bums drop to the ground to slide down the hill.

lifting knees high to run through the snow.

shovel scraping the ground as the driveway is being cleared.

up the, once dirt, hill 

sliding down the other side.

school bus arrives. 

off to school goes the older one.

the younger gets buried in a pile of white flakes as the driveway continues to get cleared.

finally it's time to sled!

little, mitted, hand holding the string

and pulling a, larger than her, sled.

on we get.

down we go!

mom on the sled.

the little one on her bum.

down to the little one's favorite sledding spot.

on she gets.

and...

down...

repeat.

on.

down....

repeat.

lots of laughter.

lots of giggles.

lots of snow eaten.

what a great time.

in the house.

eating a snack.

out the windows the sky is white.

the flakes are larger, 

fluffier, 

spinning, 

spiraling down to the ground.

the trails formed are now gone.

the driveway once cleared is covered again.

the trees have on their winter coats.

it truly is a winter wonderland out there.

whistlin'

i love listening to my kids play
when they're not fighting.

one of my favorite things to hear is
dakota playing and making up stories with the cars and horses.
changing her voice with each character.

the other is
elijah playing and making up stories with his cars and trucks
changing his voice with each character.

but my favorite thing these days is
elijah building something with lego
and whistling.

my dad is a whistler.

he whistles when he carries a tired baby
he whistles when he's cleaning.
he whistles when he's walking.
he whistles when he's just content and it's quiet.
i loved that as a kid.

now
my son is a whistler.

what to say...

i really don't know what i want to say today.

so what do you say when you don't know what to say...

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Firsts: girls day/play date

i have a mom.

she has a best friend.

the best friend has a daughter.

that daughter is like a little sister to me.

the 4 of us:

me-i, me, mom-mom, bff-lois, lil sis-erin

we have, over the years, had girls' days.

a day when the four of us spend some time together.

shopping, going out to lunch or dinner, Centre Island...

there was a break in years and then we finally went to see my brother's comedy show, at the Herongate.

then a few more years have passed.

this past saturday we got together again.

and my little girl came for her first ever girls' day.

it was a great day.

Christmas shopping in Barrie.

dakota and i drove south.

mom, lois and erin drove north.  

and we met.

hopefully we won't wait too long for the next girls day

Dakota had fun, and i'd say she was centre of attention, and loving it.

if saturday was Dakota's day...

Sunday was my little boy's day.

a lovely lady who is in our small group Bible study is actually grandma to Elijah's best school friend.

his friend, C, has a birthday this month.

grandma had a family birthday gathering and since C is the youngest she wanted him to have a friend to play with.

Elijah got the invite.

yesterday at noon Dan drove Elijah over to C's grandma's house.

Elijah didn't want daddy to leave, but we had discussed it already.

Dan was to be allowed to leave, with no tears from Elijah.

there were no tears.. thankfully.

Elijah had so much fun that he didn't want to leave when i went to pick him up.

this was Elijah's first play date with a friend he hadn't known since birth.

with a house full of people he didn't really know.

but C is his best friend and i think that he didn't care who else was around.

next weekend is C's birthday party at his mom's.

Elijah has asked that i stay with him for that.

i can do that if he needs me to.

he is still only 5.  

and a shy 5.

i don't expect him to be completely comfortable all the time, but i am so glad he is starting to be independent.

tired and cranky when he came home.

so we watched The Lorax and ate spaghetti and caesar salad.

the kids had a big weekend.

i'm tired.

dan's tired.

but it was a good weekend, lots of good memories, 

and seeing how our kids have grown up just a little more.

3%

My brother, Timmy, is a radio morning-show host.

UCB radio out of Belleville, ON

this morning i was listening to him online, as i do most weekday mornings 

- - after i hear the local news, weather & bus info - -

I was listening when i heard them talking about the 3%

redheads.

supposedly 3% of the population.

i am not a redhead.

my husband is not.

our kids are not.

my mom and her 3 sisters all are were, 

not so naturally anymore haha.  

my friend is brunette, her husband is blond

their middle son is a redhead.

another friend's little girl is a redhead 

yesterday at the pool in town there were 3 redheaded little kids.

the two i already mentioned and another kid we didn't know.

i can think of 6 of my friends, over the years, who are all different shades of redhead.

pretty sweet guy i haven't seen forever -  jeremy,

photographic genius -  josh,

spectacular magician and funny guy - bill abbott

amazing friend since grade 7 -  sherri,

insane, spectacular friend back at summit, it's been too long - chadly,

crazy talented musician, funny guy - deni gauthier

to those i forgot.  

oh well, maybe next time.

to all you 3%.

have a great day.

please stay calm...we don't want to deal with your temper.

and

stay out of the sun - you'll burn.

park time

we left home on Friday.

no snow on the ground.

light flurries or rain on the way down to Toronto.

it was cold, but sunny.

on Saturday we went to the park for a bit.

before Thanksgiving Dinner.

swinging with daddy

 love to swing!

The kids spent so much time playing with their cousin Connor.

they adore him.

help me down, daddy.

when we got home, from Toronto, winter had hit.

that's ok.

winter can now come.

American Thanksgiving has come and gone, i can now think about Christmas.

in fact, 

our Santa Claus parade is this Friday night.

School Days: SK Edition *3*

i have brought you along in my journey as a mom with a JK.. 

see parts 1 here, 2 here, 3 here, 4 here, 5 here...

and now i'm back to continue the journey with my little SK for part 3.

  click for part 1, 2.

although the story is mainly about my little boy

it is also about me.

i have shared my fears, 

my tears, 

my joys, all alongside his.

this entry is to now share with you my encouraged heart.

my relief.

my joy.

my son LOVES school.

he had great teachers last year.

he has great teachers this year.

i pray he'll have great teachers next year.. but lets not rush this year.

Wednesday i had the opportunity to go to his class for an observation.

in JK/SK there are no parent/teacher interviews so they do a class observation.

a time to see your kid in action, and to chat with the teacher about how he/she is doing..

and to ask any questions, discuss any concerns.

last year:

i was worried about going because i was scared of how he'd act when i left.

i arrived solo.  Dakota had a babysitter.

my boy's tears were on the edge the whole time.  

he stared at me constantly - when he was on carpet time.

he leaned against me while i sat beside him during journal time.

the tears began to come as his class left to go to the gym, and i headed home.

this year...

i was excited to go and interact.

i arrived with Dakota.

his teacher had invited her to join in the class while i was there.

he laughed when we arrived and Dakota found him and hugged him.

he showed me things.

he did activities, while i chatted with his teacher.

dakota joined Elijah in everything.

He sat beside me on the carpet.

he played with dakota and other kids while they did lego.

he showed me how to work and use the smartboard.

dakota had the chance to make a sheep with glue and cottonballs on cardboard - she was so excited.  

Elijah told me people's names, 

all about things on the walls.

where things were.

then he hugged me then lined up to go to gym...

then ran back and hugged dakota.

i chatted with his teacher.

she has been at the school for 25 years.

has taught JK/SK/gr 1.  

elijah talks about her all the time.

as if she's just one of the friends at school.

i have seen and spoken with her at the Terry Fox Run, at the grocery store, on main street...

She had nothing but praise for my little boy.

she was excited to show me some of the things he's done in class.

he is learning to recognize some words by sight.

he knows all his letters.

he is sounding out and spelling words from the sounds he hears.

he is cautious and focused when writing letters or coloring and drawing.

she loves to be animated.

she loves to speak in silly voices.

no wonder my kid loves her.

"He is a leader in the class.

a quiet leader.

whatever you're doing, 

keep doing it"

thank you.
*tear* 

face paint

i bought cheap affordable face paints for halloween.

now when the kids see them they ask for noses and whiskers..

and rainbows..

and hearts..

and stars.

on their faces..

foreheads...

hands.

this past weekend i gave them just what they asked for.

right hand: black star

left hand: green heart

nose and cheeks: blue noses, white whiskers

forehead: rainbow with cloud.

then we went hiking out back.

elijah wouldn't let me take a picture of him.

but here's dakota:

that's lunch around the mouth haha!

warmth

our house is warmed by a furnace.

we have vents in the floor that warm up really nice when the furnace is blowing.

sometimes i like to stand on them in my bare feet.

when the furnace starts up it is chilly.. 

then... 

the hot air comes.

oh so nice to be near the vent when that happens.

our little girl has become obsessed with the vents.

specifically one vent.

the bathroom vent.

it is beside the toilet, 

under the window.

one morning we heard a kid go to the bathroom.

when dan got up he began his morning routine, 

then looked into the dark bathroom.

there was our little girl and her animals sitting quietly on the vent.

another day i was in the shower.

when i opened the door to grab my towel i was quite startled by my little girl..

sitting on the vent with her animals.

the other night dakota had been in bed for..

oh...

about twenty minutes-half an hour.

when i heard her door open and out she walked.

arms full of her animals.

"i just need to go to the vent"

pardon me?

"i need to go to the vent"

then i heard the furnace kick in.

and into the bathroom she walked 

and sat herself on the vent.

i had to get the camera for that.

D.A.K.O.T.A. for 11 points.

I love making things.  

i have said that on the Creations page: here

but this one i decided to blog about on the main page.

i love to play Scrabble.

i love games with words.

i may not always win against Dan but we play friendly.

he can ask me how to spell a word before he places it.

he is the king of major points.

the king of using all his tiles.

i don't think of words like he does, but i do know when it's a real word or if the spelling is off.

I was watching some show on T.V 

and on one set i saw something on the wall that looked like Scrabble letters.

large wood tiles.

i wanted them.

i had to make them for my kids' rooms.

 my Step one:

find the letters for the kids' names in my Scrabble tiles.

for those interested, Elijah's name is 16 points.

step two:

find some scrap wood in the basement.

then

get dan to cut it to size.

(he is better in the math so he figured out the dimensions, and cut all the pieces out for me.)

then

sand the pieces.

step three:

get pencil.

eraser.

ruler.

wood burning kit.

then

draw on the letters and values with pencil.

wood burn over the pencil.

then 

sand again if needed.

step four:

clear coat each tile.

let dry.

clear coat again.

then

get dan to drill into the backs so i can hang on nails.

step five:

get 12 pushpins instead of nails.

haha, yes.  i did say pushpins - so much easier

get level.

pretend to use level, but truly rely on my own eyes.

hang the tiles on the kids' walls.

dancing with you

he got up from the table.

still had some bagel in his hand.

a song came on the radio.

i grabbed him and started dancing with him.

the giggles began.

"mommy i still have my bagel"

i kept dancing with him.

spinning him,

swaying side to side, 

dancing in circles.

"mommy."

giggles.

attempts to get his bagel into his mouth.

he finally ate it all.

and we kept dancing.

til the song was over.

time to go get dressed for school.

"Mommy, can we dance to my room?"

he didn't have to ask again.

i told him i love dancing with him.

"because i laugh?"

i twirled him into his room.

"that, and because you let me."

*love those moments.*

Lest We Forget

Remembrance day is on Sunday.
i needed to share this video with you, and i encourage you to watch it each day over the next few days..
just to remind yourself of what we're supposed to be remembering.

Remembrance Day is upon us again.

for many it is only one day a year.

for others...

 it is 365 days a year.

to all those who fought..

all who survived..

all who survived, but wish they hadn't..

all who survived, but live with the memories..

all who died.

to those who are still fighting..

still surviving..

still dying..

THANK YOU.

*video by: 'Jonathan Wagner - WagnerMedia.ca'. *

tears

i felt as though i had cried forever.

i felt sad and didn't know why.

i was worn out.

Last night at bed time i just wanted to curl up, all cozy and warm.

my eyes weren't sore.

my face was free of dried tear streaks.

my heart was not heavy.

but i felt like it.

why?

because when my daughter cries as hard as she did last night

i feel like i did too.

empathy?

guess so.

it was WooWoo Wednesday.

E: school

D: Music Class

All: Pizza for supper

E&D: to the church for kids'program.

D&M: ice cream and home depot.

not last night.

our little girl began the tears right after supper when she started thinking about going to Cubbies.

she used to cry when we dropped her off at something and then shut off the tears when we left.

and have fun.

last week that did not happen.

she cried the whole time.

this week the tears began at home.

and they. were. real.

she tried to shut them off, but the sobs were so strong.

she was going to bring lammie with her so she could be stronger.

tears slowed at times, but the sobs never stopped, 

even when we were pulling into the parking lot.

those eyes.

when she sobs..

those eyes..

they pull you in.  

her brother had a rough time the first year for him.

he would bring bear and the tears would stop.

lammie..annie (a dog)...even their blankets...

none of them were helping her.

i sat there with her for a couple minutes, 

while dan dropped off her brother at his group for their games night.

i did not feel as though she was trying to 'pull one over on me'

i could see true sadness in her eyes.

she came home with me last night.

no ice cream and home depot for dan and i.

she got ready for bed and the tears were slowing, but the sobs still came.

we sat on the couch and watched a show.  

her eyes were so heavy.

we just cuddled.

then it was bed time.

tears started again.

this time because 'Doggie' was in the wash.

after singing Amazing Grace to her

praying with her

and some big hugs and kisses

she went to sleep.

when 'doggie' was dried i went in and placed him in her arms.

i went to the couch and crashed.

dan put elijah to bed when they got back home.

i curled up in a blanket.

dan and i watched an X-Files.

then bedtime.

i was ready for bed.

worn out.

emotionally drained.

i guess that's what loving kids is.

when they're hurt..

you hurt.

when they're sad..

you're sad.

when they rejoice..

you rejoice.

their laughter..their tears..

yours.

someone once said that being a parent is learning what it truly means to love like Christ.

that's a powerful love.

parenting advice: to take or not to take.

nov. 1st.

i went to an intimate gathering to hear Alyson Schafer.

(who's that?  check out her website here) 

maybe 20 of us in the library of a school.

the night was for moms (parents) to ask her questions...

and receive some advice.

now, 

i don't usually read parenting books.

i do ask advice of people i respect,

but have no desire to sit and read about how to handle problems.

i have tried.

i need verbal advice.

was i excited to be going?

not really.

looking forward to an evening out with my friend?

yes.

hoping to come home with something to think about?

yes.

Alyson Schafer is a good speaker.

she is funny.

she is blunt.

she keeps attention.

i did enjoy the evening.

She had good points, 

and she would give different ideas to use in situations.

allow kids to be kids.

that included fights, and letting the battles happen..

allow them to figure out how to resolve their own issues, 

and not constantly step in.

don't take sides.

re-word praise so they can feel proud of their own efforts, 

and not only receiving how you feel.

treat the kids as a team, not one over the other.

they need to work together on things. - for example: tidying the living room.

all things i knew, 

all things i have acknowledged before.

she gave ways to actually do them.

suggestions.

i do take them as suggestions.

i do not take them as gospel.

but i have found that in the few days i have tried to apply some of the suggestions, 

i have seen a difference.

mostly in me.

i am not afraid to let the kids argue and resolve things.

i have had more patience this week.

i have been able to be more calm.

i have felt 'allowed' to walk out of the room when a fight begins.

i have checked out her newest book

Ain't Misbehavin'.

it was like a quick reference book.  

informative, and by topic.

for someone who can't sit down and read a whole parenting book, 

this one was good to check out.

snow.

Snow.

snow.

snow.

snow.

snoooow

not a lot.

every step the kids made this morning left behind a grass footprint.

that was exciting for them.

the girl saw the wet flakes falling this morning and jumped up and down excited to go sledding.

not yet, little one.

thankfully

i guess i must acknowledge.

the snow will come.

i can't stop it.

i'd miss a white winter if i lived elsewhere.

it's not the white i dislike.

it's the cold.

it's the ice storms.

it's the slush.

it's the scraping of the car windows.

it's the horrible drivers.

i love the white.

i love the sunny snow covered days.

i just don't want them yet. 

they can come when my Christmas decorations come out.

Dec. 1st.

Halloween cookies

my kids love halloween.

what do they love about it?

they get to dress up, see other costumes and get candy!

of course candy is probably the first on their list.

my friend and i get together each year before halloween and make... 

halloween sugar cookies!!

these are some of this years' cookies.

Leaves

What a beautiful day yesterday.

mid October and it felt like a late spring day.

before the boy got home from school 

my girl and i started raking leaves into a pile.

starting with my boy's first October, 

i have tried to get a kid pic every year in a pile of leaves.

yesterday i was determined to get this year's.

when the boy got home we got some pictures.

then we worked on making the pile bigger.

he got the wagon and used it as his trailer.

i raked.

then.

they.

JUMPED!

inquiring minds want to know.

today as the kids and i were leaving WalMart we saw a road painter.

Elijah saw it and was excited.

he was asking what it painted on the road.

i told him it painted the lines.

he was confused because he couldn't see any paint coming from it.

"it's not painting right now, 

it's on it's way to a job probably"

i said with my great wisdom.

"Maybe it's going to Africa."

i sure didn't expect that.

i told him i was pretty sure that it wasn't heading to Africa, 

it is a little far for a day's work.

"do they have to paint lines in Africa?"

He has a friend, Noah, who lives in Africa (Uganda) with his parents right now.

i told him we'd ask Noah's parents that question.

he seemed happy with that.

So...

Jamie & Vanessa..

are there lines painted on the roads in Africa?

an inquiring 5 year old mind wants to know.

a picture is worth...

I have a plan to write here every other day (from mon to fri)

and the other days i post on my other blog (see here)

some days, however, i just don't have anything to say here.

i always have photos to post on the other one...

but this one is to mainly share about life.. 

today i think i'll just share 2 pics.

if a picture is worth 1000 words than think of this post as being worth 2080.

(yes i counted the ones i had already written....2089)

visited by Aslan

3 nights ago.

i am summoned downstairs by tears and my little girl calling my name.

"Mommy, i saw a mean lion."

she proceeded to tell me that he kept saying Roar, Roar, Roar.

i sang to her for a bit - but she wouldn't close her eyes.

"mommy, i'm going to dream about a nice dragon and a nice unicorn."

still refusing to close her eyes.

i asked her if i could pray with her before i continued to sing.

 idea of my prayer:

"Dear Jesus,

please help the lion say sorry to dakota for scaring her, 

and let him tell her he didn't mean to scare her but wanted to be her friend.

help her sleep with good, funny, happy dreams"

i sang a little longer.

we cuddled.

finally she said she could sleep.

she closed her eyes and as i headed to the door she opened them with a huge smile

"mommy, the lion said sorry 

and now the dragon and unicorn are going to be his friend.

he was a nice lion."

2 nights ago.

crying for me.

i walked into my little girl's room.

"mommy i'm scared of the dark."

i lay down with her

she stared blankly, still sad.

i rubbed her back and finally she said

"mommy, the lion, the one i saw the 'nother night...

 i didn't know what he was trying to say because he kept saying 

Roar, Roar, Roar.

But he was telling me that Jesus died."

big smiles.

i asked if he also said Jesus rose again.

"yes, mommy.  

i didn't know what he was saying but now i know.

he said roar roar roar, but i only say meow meow meow.

he was a nice lion.

i just didn't know.

he was saying about Jesus."

Last night.

i was telling Dan about the past 2 night with dakota.

dan smiled.

"isn't it funny how Aslan visited her to tell her about Jesus, 

and she doesn't know about the Narnia stories at all."

i liked what he said.  

today.

"mommy, 

the lion, the one from the 'nother night.

he said he wouldn't be back.

i won't see him again."

i asked if she wanted to see him again.

"yeah... maybe he'll come back one day."

"one of those days....."

one of those days...
one of those mornings to be exact.
i'm tired.
the boy is tired.
the girl is awake early and happy as can be.

i went to wake Elijah this morning and he actually got up quite quickly.
his sister was already at the table eating her Rice Krispies.
i made him his bagel with peanut butter.
things were going well.

finally i remembered to pray with them for the day.
why..
why does it feel like things go downhill after you pray.

i asked them to get dressed.
i got Elijah's shirt drawer open for him - it only has one handle on it, so he has problems opening it.
i got out Dakota's clothes.
she got dressed.
Elijah didn't.

he played with lego instead.
oh, he had a shirt under him on the floor.
he then started crying because i told him to stop playing and get his clothes.
for the rest of the morning everything became a fight.

he ended up having no play time before we went out to the bus.
the kids usually get about 5-10 minutes of indoor play before we put on our shoes and coats.
if they haven't fought at all.

he whined and cried getting on shoes.

ok.
let me pause here.
i am not the angel mom speaking softly and gently encouraging my kid.
with unlimited patience and smiles.
"oh he's just tired, everything will be peachy-keen" in my sing-song voice.

i get frustrated.
i will yell when i'm fed up with him not listening.
i let things add on to other things...
something dan and i have actually had a conversation about.. not to do that.
i want to cry.
and no, i did not want to drive him to school.

so, i did try.
i honestly tried to stay calm..
i failed.
and then it snowballs from there.
am i the only one who reacts like this?
it sure feels like this some days.

finally we got out.
they usually have about 7-10 minutes to play outside before the bus.
not today.
i had him grab his backpack from beside the door and bring it down to the end of the driveway.
dakota went to play.
happy-go-lucky.
elijah lugged his oh-so-heavy backpack full of bricks crying the whole time wanting me to take it "it's too heavy."
(it had less in it today than yesterday, and he was fine yesterday)
i waited, and watched for his bus.

he was half way across the driveway, finally, when his sister offered to do teamwork.
his reaction
"no" and snatch the backpack out of reach.

when he made it and then dropped it beside our fence post he cried.
i told him i could see his bus coming.
the tears flowed freely.
i picked him up.
i had made a comment about if he didn't whine all the way he might have had time to play.
he curled into me saying he didn't whine all the way.
the tears got harder as the bus stopped at the stop before ours.

"i don't want to go on the bus."
was his new cry.
now i wanted to cry.
all the emotions from last year came flooding back to me.
i began to fear that this crazy, fight of a morning has set him emotionally back.
however,
he didn't want to go on the bus, and he cried freely,
he got his backpack on and walked with me to the open bus doors.

our bus driver had this sad look on her face when she saw the tears.
"Its been one of those mornings"
i said.
she called up his wonderful, regular babysitter from the back and she came and sat with my weeping boy.

and they were off.
i started crying, quietly, as kota and i headed up to the house.
sometimes i feel like i failed my kids.
this morning i felt like that.
i honestly try..
i pray for strength.
i know elijah needs me to be calm.. he will calm faster.
i know it, but when i don't do it..
when i allow myself excuses..
"i'm tired too" "he listened yesterday" "he's 5.  not a baby"
.....

does anyone out there feel the same?
do you have "one of those days"?
or am i alone with this?

i know i am a good...great mom.
my kids know i love them, dearly.
mornings like this though are rough, emotionally.

i just want to cuddle my kids, and remind them over and over again how much i love them.
i know independence and consequences are needed...


please don't give me advice.
please if you're going to judge me - shut your trap and keep it to yourself.
just let me know you have these moments too.

independence

Today my boy went to school with a white..

well,

formerly white, t-shirt.

his dark blue jeans have a hole in the knee.

that i noticed as we got ready to meet the bus.

his grey Finn McMissle socks used to be white.

at least his face was washed.

his hat will help his hair settle down.

when you tell a 5 year old to go pick out his clothes...

***

when my girl gets to pick her clothes 

she looks as though she is in pajamas..

she goes for the "comfy" look.

love their uniqueness...

their independence...

yet, thankful i still have veto power.

love you kids.

Thanksgiving

I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner. 

on Sunday

my parents and dan's parents are coming.

i love hosting dinners like this.

i am thankful for Thanksgiving.

why?

it is a day where i am made to think of what i am thankful for.

it's so easy to grumble.

to complain.

to nit-pick.

to criticize.

to frown.

 day to day.

it's easier to look at the problems

than the blessings.

10 things i am thankful for:

(in no particular order)

1. That God created this world, and that He loves me.

2. my husband.  

3. my kidlets.

4. my family 

(Boyles, Quiggs, Dixons, Spooners, Murphys, Stricklands, etc.etc.)

5. God is creative and has blessed me with creativity.

6. i have a house to live in.

7. my dad beat cancer.

8. autumn.

9. that Elijah loves school this year.

10. turkey dinners :)

i need to remember to be thankful all year round.

but i am thankful we have this weekend to focus on the blessings in our lives, 

because sometimes i forget to be thankful on a regular day.

What are some things you're thankful for?

Elijah's brought this home from school.  He figured out how to spell each of our names on his own.
Love how he spelled daddy

Dakota's work for Cubbies.
She had to draw the 6 days of creation.
in #1 it's a light bulb.  in #3 it's land..the big orange blob is a high mountain and the thin circle lines are the echo.

grey

Grey.

i have hair that color.

not a lot.

but they're there.

i don't plan on dying my hair just because of those hairs.

if i dye my hair i want it to be just because i want to.

i've had black hair, 

i've allowed my natural brown to stay, 

i've had red hi-lites, 

i've had hair with a burgundy tint, 

i've had a bleached portion of my hair.

i've done sun-in in sections.

i've had a 'q-tip' looking perm.

i've had a boy-cut.

i've had dreadlocks.

i guess i can now add that my hair has some natural red hi-lites 

with a grey accent to it.

by the way.

my dreads are out.

i miss them.

but no matter what.

if i dye it.

if i dread it.

it'll stay long.

i want long grey hair.

no short, permed, grey hair for me.

i'm kind of thinking of having grey dreads one day.

Grey hair is a crown of splendor, 

it is attained by a righteous life.

 Proverbs 16:31

The glory of young men is their strength,

grey hair the splendor of the old.

Proverbs 20:29

**i don't think of myself as old... although i am only 3 years away from 40.  haha! isn't that considered ancient?**

celebrate the little things

BAH!

i just wrote an entry and then deleted it all.

why?

because i just couldn't share it.  too personal.

i titled this entry before i started typing, but the entry took on a life of it's own.

i spilled my heart out.

and didn't get to the point of the title.

maybe next time i'll share it, but this entry is something else i want to share.

the other day 

last wednesday, to be exact.

i cheered for the day, 

as the kids and I were having breakfast.

i cheered and titled the day:

Woot Woot Wednesday!

the kids laughed.

i told them why it was 

Woot Woot Wednesday.

it was a day for :

Elijah to go to school.

Dakota to go to music class.

Pizza night!

Elijah to go to Streetwise 

(the church mid-week program for his age)

Dakota to go to Cubbies 

(church mid-week program for her age)

therefore, 

Woot Woot Wednesday!!

Dan and I were discussing the idea of celebrating the little things.

not: "Yay, Little Joey ate a ham sandwich!!"

unless, of course, little joey always refused a ham sandwich before.

but allowing them to be proud of things they accomplish,

or things that they enjoy.

we want to celebrate with them.

starting with little things that happen 

so that when bigger things happen they know they can be proud of themselves, 

or others.

and can celebrate.

so when elijah wants daddy to play the 'frisbee game' on his iphone,

and elijah gets excited that daddy won the level.

dan will encourage that cheering.  

or when dakota climbs up on the top of our massive dirt hill

i will cheer from down below, 

as she raises her hands and yells 

"i did it!"

I want my kids to be excited about life, 

and what it has to offer.

i want them to not be afraid to show excitement,

just because the rest of the world seems to think life is humdrum.

God created my children with amazing abilities and passions..

i am looking forward to seeing those grow, 

and i want them to seek those whole heartedly.

when i am on stage i can laugh, jump, be a goof, dance..

whatever.

but, 

when i'm myself.

when i'm Michelle.

i get afraid of what others are going to say, or think.

i want to be like my kids,

love life, 

laugh easily, 

dance like a fool, 

so while they're kids 

i will do all that with them,

and encourage them to do it, 

so as they grow older

maybe they won't be afraid to celebrate the little things.

**by the way, last Wednesday Elijah told me "Mom, you're a Woot Woot Wednesday"**