be still my heart

The kids were home from Streetwise

(our church's mid-week kids' program)

 around 8:15pm.

we were in their beds, looking at their Pokemon cards and then praying with them around 8:40pm.

i was with our boy last night.

i asked him to turn out his light at 8:55pm.

usually he is good with doing that...

usually.

but if he's reading a good book

(Lego characters encyclopedia, Geronimo Stilton, Calvin & Hobbes, Minecraft...)

he forgets to check the time.

i forgot to go in when i noticed the time.

i thought they had been asleep for about an hour when i heard an excited little voice.

did i really just hear a kid?

'Mommy, mommy, i want to tell you something."

i opened his door and looked at the clock.

9:55pm.

one hour after his light was to be out.

i asked him what he wanted to tell me.

"mommy, i found the verse.

the one we did tonight.

it isn't the exact same words, but i found it."

i realized he had been reading his Bible.

i don't know for how long, but that didn't matter.

it was an hour past lights out, but that didn't matter to me right then.

he was reading his Bible and wanted to read me the verse he found.

"ok, mommy, 

Its in Psalms.

All you who wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.

it's a little different than the one we did tonight...

i need to underline it."

"do you have a pen?"

keep in mind he's in his loft bed, so i can't see his little face.

"just a pencil..."

"want me to got you a pen or pencil crayon?"

"Ya..no, the pages are really skinny they'll rip.. i'll just use my pencil."

then after he underlined that he proceeded to find Psalm 56:3

His and his sister's favourite verse.

he was so excited.

I reminded him to find the verse then turn out his light and go to sleep.

I saw him peek over at his clock.

"Oh...it's almost 10.  that's late.  I didn't know."

listening to my boy get excited about finding the verse, 

reading it, 

underlining it so he'd remember it...

those are moments worth his late night.

*photo taken by me, 

with Gertie, 

no editing.

Esther

my ladies Bible study group is going through the Esther study by Beth Moore.

i am determined to do every piece of homework for this study.

to truly learn and grow during it.

My version of the cover of the workbook

i have never finished a study book.. actually finished ever day of homework.. ever.

in any Bible study at TLC, or on my own.

this one.

i knew i needed to be there.

i am determined to let God speak to me through Beth and her words - she has a lot of them.

i have been raised with the story of Esther.

Beth Moore is making me see it in a new light.

learning history of it.

what the culture was like.

thinking about the people involved, putting myself in their shoes.

I love imagining how i would feel as a person.

it gives me an insight into the person and what they'd be going through.

i wanted to share with you a couple times i was asked to imagine what the person was going through.

week 2 day 5 i wrote what i believed would be Esther's journal entry when she became queen.

*Esther Chapter 2*

"i'm queen!  i, Esther, orphaned daughter of Abihail and his wife, adopted daughter and cousin to Mordecai.  I am now wife to Xerxes, King of Persia.  What has happened?  How did this happen?  Thank the Lord!  

I don't know why i'm here, or even how i got here - it now seems all a blur.  But, i am Queen of Persia.  I never expected this.  Oh sweet, kind Hegai, i am thankful to you and your kindness.  Your wisdom and advice.  I thank the Lord for you.  

I can't sleep!  I AM Queen!  this is really happening...

oh... poor Vashti...

I'm sorry.

beloved Mordecai... I miss you."

Week 4, day 2 

Ester was informed that Mordecai was at the gates in sackcloth and ashes, 

Her eunuch reports back to her with Mordecai's words as to why he is there.  

telling her she must approach the king to right this wrong.

I was asked to imagine the scene.

*Esther 4*

As soon as Hathach entered her presence she could tell something was not right.  She approached him, looking into his eyes.  He hesitated, but she encouraged him to talk, to tell her what Mordecai said.  

I think Hathach went into the narrative, then revealing the copy of the edict that Mordecai gave him.  He explained it as she sat down, stunned, shaking her head.  

it couldn't be true.

He reexplained it and then proceeded to urge her to go to the King.

She stands suddenly, knocking her chair over.  She can't do that!

Hathach knows better than that.  she could be killed.

He reminds her what is at stake, what Mordecai said.  She grasps the table to steady herself.

Feeling faint, feeling sick.  

She gives Hathach her answer and sends him to Mordecai.

She drops to another chair and cries.

She can do nothing.

Today, week 7, day 2

esther had her second banquet with the King and Haman, his most trusted advisor.

i was asked to picture the scene when Esther tells the King her request, and mentions Haman is the one behind the destruction of the Jews... also revealing that she is a Jew.

*Esther 7*

i wrote:

the banquet was on it's final stage.  The wine.

Stomachs were full.  Conversation had slowed.  

laughter died away as King Xerxes leaned in toward Esther, his wife, his Queen.

he is anxious to know what her request is.

he puts a hand on his queen's hand.

she's sipping some wine, composing her plea in her mind.

her hand slightly trembles as she sees and feels her king's touch.  

She places her glass down.

after a quick glance at Haman, her husband's most trusted advisor, and enemy to her people, she looks at Xerxes.

Fear evident in her eyes.

He asks her what it is she desires.  even up to half the kingdom.

if only he knew what she was about to say.

Haman is reclining, smiling, enjoying his wine and his position with the king and queen.  curious about what the Queen must want that would have made her so bold as to enter the king's presence without being summoned.

Xerxes has asked.

Esther sits up taller.  chin raised.  confident on the outside, a mess on the inside.

She says her request with more boldness than she believed she had.  When she says 'her people' the truth is out.  She is a Jew.  She is also Queen...for now.

Honesty emboldens her.

Xerxes lets go of her hand.  He drops back into this seat.  processing quickly what she, his queen, his wife has said.  She is a Jew, she is going to be killed.  someone is going to kill the Queen..

HIS queen!

Esther cannot look away from Xerxes eyes, as she watches his emotions change, as he processes her request.  She will not look at Haman.

Haman is frozen.  His smile is gone.  He gulps.  He stares at his wine glass and is gripping it so tightly.  The queen is a Jew!

He did not know that.  with a quick glance he looks at her.

he should have known. 

she has lied to the king, she will be punished.

He then glances over at his king.

he sees rage building in those eyes, on that face.

the king fears treason! in his own palace.  

Xerxes wants to know who would do that to him?

 he leans forward, gritting his teeth, he asks his question again.

Who would do such a thing?

The Queen has been waiting for this.

two meals pretending to respect Haman and now she answers with a calmness she did not expect.

She speaks with respect to her king, but her words and her voice are obviously laced with disgust with Haman and his plot.

Haman hoping she would not have known it would be him, she was just the queen anyway.

but she said it, did he see her glance his way as she said his name?

He looks to the king for his reaction.  The king needs him, he'll see this was not against him.  He'll calm down and realize how important Haman is to him.

But as soon as the Queen reveals the name the king stands.  his eyes lock on Haman.

Haman knows right then that there is no changing the king's mind.  someone is going to die.

Xerxes looks at his queen.  Human knows then...

it will not be the queen.

Esther looks at Xerxes, awaiting his response.

She slowly looks again into his eyes, and then he turns and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

She lays back in her chair.

she can't, she won't look at Haman who is still there.

She closes her eyes.

she has done what she could do, it is now up to Xerxes to make his decision.

She wishes Haman would leave.

These are my own take on moments, on thoughts, of the people that are in the book of Esther in the Bible.

for me it brings it to life.

it was a real event, and for me i enjoy putting myself in their heads.

maybe it's my love for acting, for people watching..

but for me these moments in the homework give me pause to think about the emotions, that go along with the events.  

44

44 years ago.

do you?

i do.

do you?

i do.

and they were married.

small city hall wedding.

i am thankful for that day.

no, i wasn't born yet.

but the reason i am thankful for that day is that it was my parents' wedding day.

I so wish i had a photo of that day,

you really need to see the clothes.

also

my mom had long hair and my dad had hair.

today my mom's hair is much shorter and my dad's hair has moved to his chin.

*lake huron i believe.  June 2015*

they are a couple that i admire and look up to.

they have demonstrated that marriage is not all romance and dreamin'.

it takes work, determination.

they have demonstrated that marriage is not all work and no play.

it is fun, it is living with your best friend.

They have had great times

- such as the summer of 1973 when their son was born, 

and 1975 when the light of their life, their precious daughter, came into the world to make it a brighter place.-

they have had rough times.

my dad's battle with cancer, the loss of their parents, my mom's chronic pains

they have always shown what it means to love and support their family.

they have encouraged my brother and i at pursuing dreams.

they have always had an open door.  

so many friends have been welcomed in and cherished by them.

they have welcomed a daughter-in-law and a son-in-law into the family with open arms.

they love on and cherish their five grandkids.

Last Christmas we had the opportunity to invite my parents to Great Wolf Lodge.

it was a great time.

In June i had the chance to take the kids on a road trip with gramma and papa.

we went to Green Bay, WI.

what a great time with my parents.

i am thankful to have them as my parents.

i am thankful for their example of a long-lasting marriage.

i am thankful for their love for each other and for me.

happy anniversary you two love birds!

i love you.

also...

happy 44th birthday to my big 'sis' 

(tomorrow)

that's the best photo i have of her.

i love you.

*photos:

1-4 taken by me with Gertie

5 taken by me, with Chester.

6 taken by E. Murphy, with Gertie.

family time: climbing

this weekend was absolutely beautiful.

the weather was warm, the sun was shining.

the Huntsville Fall Fair was happening.

on saturday morning i returned from a short run

(i turned around a couple kms earlier than i was planning to)

i returned in time to have breakfast with my husband and kids.

we sat and discussed the plans for the day.

on my run i had an idea of what i wanted to do with the family.

the kids talked about playing lego. 

or with their stuffies.

the girl wanted to watch a movie: The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe.

nothing was mentioned about the fall fair.

i'll admit, i was glad they had forgotten it was this weekend.

i didn't want to go that day.

finally i asked if anyone wanted to go climbing.

was i ever so happy when everyone liked the idea.

because i really wanted to go.

i am in need of a road trip for some climbing or bouldering, 

that's all i've been wanting to do these days.

it was so beautiful out that i just wanted to take the kids climbing.

we decided to go at lunch. 

since we park the car at the McDonalds parking lot we would have McD's before we set up our climb.

and when we got home we'd watch Narnia while we ate supper.

i listened to the kids talking about how they were going to make it to the top.

i love listening to their excitement about this time as a family.

we all hiked to the top and the kids got to see how to set the climb.

they even got to help with aspects of it.

my husband is a wonderful teacher.

then we climbed down.

and i got my camera out to enjoy capturing some memories as my husband was belayer.

they listened to instruction, 

they remembered: encouragement only!

my number one rule.

since they were sharing a harness there was an agreed on amount of tries before switching.

there was barely any nervousness.

they remembered how high they had climbed the last time we went, 

and were determined to get past that.

but the ultimate goal was to reach the top.

i was so proud as i watched my boy work his way higher...

and higher...

and higher...

he made it!

both kids listened so well to advice or encouragement.

they looked for the perfect places to put their feet and hands.

even when nervous they were eventually able to calm down and rethink the situation, or listen to our words.

i love being their parent.

i love watching them get past a fear and accomplish things they hoped to do.

i love having the opportunity of raising my kids with rock climbing as one of our activities.

I have so much fear, and love, when i'm climbing.

i learned to rock climb in my late teens-early twenties

but i have such a hard time trusting my own feet, 

or my belayer.

i need the rope as tight as possible.

if i don't have a great hand hold i have a hard time moving on.

my kids...

they encourage me so much.

i watch them, 

i listen to them, 

i admire them.

they love adventure.

the fear is there, but they trust us.

they know we're watching out for them, 

but allowing them the opportunity to figure out what they can do.

my kids know i'm scared of heights.

i admit that sometimes when i'm on a wall i cry.

so i understand when my little one is crying because she is afraid of slipping.

but they also know i love this activity.

i love the adventure.

they also know i try.

even when scared, i try.

i told my little one that when i'm frozen, on the wall of rock, i pray.

i ask God for the strength to continue, 

to get past the fear.

she calmed herself and slowly continued.

i love afternoons like these.

daddy and the girl hiked up there.
i belayed for the boy as he did the final climb up and out, and then i hiked back up after this pic.
love these three.

*we did go home and watch Narnia.

i also took the kids to the fall fair on sunday afternoon*

*all photos taken by me, 

with Gertie

not edited.

School Days *round 2*: Gr 1

age: 6 (7 in the new year)

year in school: 3

grade: 1

class: 1s only

here it is.

the year she is no longer in the Kindergarten rooms.

what an excited little girl we have.

i drove them to school this morning and as she and i walked into the school yard, hand in hand, i asked her where she wanted to go.

"mommy i can go there, or there, or even there" 

as she pointed around the school yard.

"last year i could only go there."

pointing to the kindergarten area.

so excited that she could use the whole yard, if she chose to.

when we prayed, the night before the first day, her school thinking was a little different than her brother.

she was nervous that she may not get the teacher she wanted.

but she was so excited to get to see friends she hadn't seen since June.

she's a people person.

completely.

it's all about the friends in the class.

the first day she came home and told me that the part that made her upset was that the bus went a different route after school.

but her fave part was that they had 3 recesses, and that she played with 3 friends all day.

she got the teacher she wanted.

so excited!

her grade one teacher is the same amazing woman that her brother had for SK and she had for JK.

we love her teacher so much.

(although i was excited with either grade 1 teacher - they're both stupendous teachers who adore their students)

gym and recess have been her favorite so far.

but yesterday she came home and told me she did some math, and it wasn't scary.

the switch from K to 1 is big.

but i believe she is ready for it.

she is excited to be a grade 1 girl now.

she has some good friends in her class.

her biggest issue is not with school but with after school.

the bus the kids ride has switched it's after school route.

instead of their school being the 3rd school on the route, it is now the first school on the route.

therefore, the bus is there earlier.

she gets so scared that she is going to miss it.

in fact there have been a couple days that her brother has not been there when the bus has been called so she runs from where she's waiting with her teacher and gets on the bus.

her brother arrives at the teacher and there's no sister there.

we've discussed it, 

but i haven't been sure how to get her to stay calm.

he's working his way from the top floor of the school sometimes as the bus is called.

he knows it will wait a little but his sister is too scared to realize that.

today i chatted with her teacher and we're going to try something intentional to help her.

i'll find out how it went when she gets home.

i love having open communication with their teachers.

other than bus stuff...

she loves grade 1!

i'm excited about this year, 

i'm hoping to volunteer as much as possible.

*when they first sat down for the together photo

there were a good few inches between them.

they were smiling for the camera.

right before i clicked the photo

her brother put his arm around her.

i paused as i watched them move right in together.

her smile grew so much more when he did that.

then i clicked the photo.

Look at her.

my big grade one girl!

School Days: Gr 3 *part 1*

age: 8

year in school: 5

grade: 3

class: 3/4 split

it's another school year.

here we are.

getting back to the routine.

the night before the first day of school i had an idea.

at supper i decided that we'd pray, as a family, for the school year.

i asked each kid something they were excited about and something they were nervous about.

my girl went first.

and then i said, 

"ok, who wants to pray for her?"

my boy.

he said 

"i'll pray for her mommy."

and he did.  

he prayed for her fears and her excitement.

straight and to the point, but he prayed for his sister.

then he shared his fear and excitement.

nervous about which teacher he'd be getting and if he'd like the teacher.

excited to go back to school to learn math.

my little girl offered to pray for her big brother.

they prayed for eachother, with such sincerity.

next morning.

school!

my boy got up so easily.

he was so excited to go to school for grade 3.

he knew the teacher i was hoping he'd get, 

but he also knew that if God wanted him with the other teacher than it'd be fine as well.

i drove him and his sister to school, after the 'first day' photos.

they chose their location for the together photo, and it melts my heart.

he loves his sister so much.

he put his arm around her as soon as i was about to take the photo.

off to school we drove.

when we got to the sidewalk on the outside of the yard fence we paused.

"do you want to stay with us or go see your friends?"

i asked, pretty sure i knew the answer.

he quietly said he wanted to see his friends.

we hugged.

just a quick hug.

when we are at school i know i'll get only quick hugs, on the outside of the fence.

and off he walked.

my big grade 3 boy.

i went in to the assembly with my girl to wait to see which teachers they'd get for the year.

and there was my boy, 

sitting on the floor talking with a couple friends.

friends he's known since JK.

he glanced my way once.

then the names began to get called for the different classes.

he sat listening, waiting.

his name was called for the teacher i wanted him with.

he has a male teacher again this year.

i love that he has a male teacher again this year.

he came home on the bus that first day and said he really liked his teacher.

and at supper we talked about good and not so good things at school.

he didn't have a not so good thing to say.

his good things were that he got to do math already.

and that he is getting to learn french this year.

he was so excited about that.

he still loves school.

he still loves learning.

he still loves his friends.

he still loves watching out for his sister at school.

the other day i asked him how his day was.

"mommy, i had a not so good part.

i was trying to do my work and C kept talking to me.

it made it hard to do my work."

seriously?

yep.

i'm excited to see how this school year goes for him.

he has grown in his confidence over this summer.

he is excited about this year.

i know that school is hard for a lot of kids.

it was a hard beginning to school for my boy, 

but i am thankful that he has truly grown into a love for being at school.

yay grade 3.

grade 3.
no, he said it's not 2+1.. just 3.

*photos taken by me, with Gertie.

not edited.

so proud of my husband

we went car-camping for the week of Aug 22-29.

two reasons we went.

first and foremost was to have family time doing something we love to do.

We love Killarney and everything about it.

Dan and i met there years ago.

we have car camped a few times.

we have backpacked and enjoyed the interior campsites.

we have canoed on some of the lakes.

*we have travelled into the village of Killarney and enjoyed world famous Fish and Chips 

and explored the lighthouse on Georgian Bay.*

it is a favorite location and it was wonderful to be back there.

This year we had another family with us for the week.

the kids loved having friends there with us, and so did we.

secondly, and the reason we chose Killarney Provincial Park,

was for my husband to run the La Cloche Silhouette Trail.

The trail is 78km in length.

the terrain is quite rugged and technical.

it is recommended to take 7-10 days if backpacking along it.

the trail begins and ends at the George Lake Campground which made it perfect for Dan to run the whole loop.

he planned to run it on Tuesday.

*others have run it, 

see bottom of this link & description*

he was going to run it clockwise.  

the beginning of the trail would be the easiest terrain.

the second half was going to be the hardest and steepest.

our friend Ed was planning to run the last half with Dan.

on Monday we had another family come up for 2 nights so we would have extra people on support team.

the plan:

• Dan would head out from the main trailhead at 6am.
• 4 of us would paddle from Bell Lake to David Lake.  
• meet Dan where the trail crosses the portage to boundary lake.
• Dan would refill his camelback with gatorade and snacks.
• Ed would run with Dan the rest of the way as the 3 of us paddled back to Bell Lake, and i head back to George lake campground and our other friends head home.
• meet dan and ed at end of trail with the kids.

Monday night Dan packed everything he needed for the run.

it was going to be a rainy day.

90% chance of rain.

we didn't doubt the possibility.

and the temperature was to be around 16*C

sleep did not come easy.

5:00am came early. 

it had rained all night long, but stopped shortly before 5.

we woke the kids up at 5:35 as they wanted to come to daddy's start.

over to the trailhead we walked in the dark.

headlamps guiding the way.

the campground was so quiet and still.

when we got to the trailhead we gathered together and prayed for dan.

he was to be running alone until we met up with him.

i cried.

i was nervous.

it was to be wet.

wet rocks, would not be easy.

i began the stopwatch on my phone as he headed across the bridge to begin the trail.

it was dark.

Rhonda would be hanging with the kids for the day as i got to be support crew.

support crew headed to Bell Lake.

one canoe.

4 people.

i wasn't necessary to be there except that i wasn't staying back at the campsite wondering how he was doing.

the paddle was wet.

the rain didn't let up.

it wasn't heavy at all but consistent.

on one portage we met with some people returning from a trip

we told them where we were going.

it was so encouraging.

the lady said she was so glad that she had met us.

that trail running a distance like that always seemed like an urban legend, but she had met us and my husband was doing just that.  

they were quite excited for him.

we arrived at the meet point.

he had run a 56k race in just under 6 hours.

he compared the first part to that, except he wasn't racing it, but it gave us a good earliest expectation.

so we waited.

6 and a half hours after he started out we saw him crest over the rock.

"i am so glad to see you guys."

he said as he ran down to where we were meeting.

brief chat.

bit of food.

change of shirt.

refill camelback.

the decision to not run up the side trail to the Silver peak was made.

so overcast and rainy.  they didn't need to head up there.

and off they headed.

if ed wasn't running with dan he probably would have finished when we met him.

he hurt.

he was tired.

it was only getting harder from there.

it had already been so difficult as he climbed the trail.

but with ed's excitement, even nervousness, they headed out together.

our canoe travelled back to Bell lake.

the rain slowed.

*we found out later ed and dan had re-debated heading to silver peak, because it cleared slightly.

the original decision stood and they continued on their way.*

when we got back to the car i headed back to our campsite.

i was so glad i had been there to see him, to encourage him, to support him.

now i didn't want to miss him at the end.

i met up with Rhonda and the kids and we headed to the final destination.

the kids biked and climbed on the rocks as we waited.

Rhonda and i watched the stopwatch and watched for them to arrive.

other people kept fooling us as they came to the end of the trail.

Rhonda and the kids climbed up to look around a little as i waited at the bottom just in case they came and i could stop the timer.

nothing.

the girls told many people why we were waiting there.

the girls made a sign out of acorns that said DAD!

they worked so hard on it.

i walked up to check out the top of that hill, 

hoping..

hoping to see them.

i turned to come back down and, as i neared the girls, Rhonda yelled

"i think i see them!"

i turned to see them coming over and through the trees.

i cheered, 

the kids and rhonda cheered.

our husbands had done it.

the girls showed them their sign on the ground.

i high five them each and rhonda stopped the timer as they crossed the end.

11hours and 26 minutes.

Dan had run the La Cloche Silhouette Backpacking Trail.

he did it!

thanks ed for being the last-half pacer and encouragement for him.

thanks rhonda for watching the kids so i could meet at the half way point.

thanks marshall family for the canoeing and crazy support.

thanks portage-ers and hikers who were excited for him.

thanks jen for praying on tuesday after my text to you.

thanks friends and family who encouraged and prayed.

we didn't tell many people, so most of you didn't know, but now you do.

 *photos by me with Gertie

*dark morning photo with Chester

well my dear...

i was rinsing some dishes for the dishwasher & i've been getting a little annoyed that the right sink drains so slow...

so i finished loading the dishwasher and decided to clean out the drain.

I know baking soda and vinegar works on slight clogs so i tried to see if there were any chunks in the way... 

thus began my adventure.

*i did bs&v after my adventure*

i used kabob skewers down into the drain to pick at stuff...

and realized there was something i couldn't grab.  

so i opened the cupboard and undid the top of the black pipe connecting to the sink drain.

i found a popsicle stick covered in grossness.

then i decided to check out the other direction.

i stuck the skewers down into the black pipe.  then i got a fork because there was a lot of gunk.

finally i decided to just take that whole section off.

i undid the part connecting to the T and s l o w l y pulled it off.

what did i see?

the bum of a waterlogged mouse! 

i tried to shake it out.

no go.

i tried the fork...

sliced in half!

so gross.

but i got it out.

the drain now drains happily.

that was disgusting .

i wanted to vomit.

*the above was the note i left for my husband to read this morning at 5:30am*

there and back...and there again AKA: my 40k run

 July 25 2015

7:20am (approx.)

The Limberlost Forest and Wildlife Reserve.

heading out to run the 14k loop of The Limberlost Challenge almost 3 full times.

(we were going to do the first loop full, the second loop only 12k, and the third loop full)

and out we headed.

i had not slept well all week.

purely my own fault.

i went to bed late each night, except the night before, and then i couldn't fall asleep.

i was tired.

i was nervous.

i had done 26k and felt pretty good.

i had raced one loop and felt amazing.

three loops.

that was scary.

one loop at a time.

i wanted to think of it like that.

it was hard to do.

i took it easy on the way out.

i was excited and wanted to speed up a little, 

but also had to remember i needed to slow it down and pace myself so i didn't die on loop three.

the first 10k or so were hard.

*usually when i head out on a run the first 5k are hard but then i get into a rhythm.*

at the one lake - dan knows all the names, i do not - there is a beautiful chair and foot rest.

i had dan take a photo of me on it during the first lap.

because i knew i'd be able to get back up and keep running.

i knew if i waited until the third lap i wouldn't be getting back up.

what a wonderful - - brief - - moment.

The Limberlost trails are absolutely gorgeous.

and during the first lap i was able to look around and truly enjoy it all.

we decided to take the second loop in reverse.

change it up a little.

make it new again.

it was also our short loop.

dan carried Chester with him for the second loop so i would have some pics of me running the trail.

you get a few glimpses of the beauty of the trail. 

the whole run seems a blur now.

I have had to ask dan repeatedly; 

"about when did i stub this toe?"

"how long would you say i was loving it?"

"how far in did i hit the wall?"

"how long did i walk, do you think?"

"when did i begin enjoying it again?"

"when did i stub the other toe?"

"when could you tell i was at the end of my strength?"

about 24k in to the run.

2k left in the second loop.

i realized the last 400m was on a road.

the road to the car.

i didn't want to run on a road.

at all.

it was like that thought brought with it the worst discouragement.

all the pain my body was feeling, 

the soreness, the tiredness,

the stubbed toe, the rolled ankles, 

the sore back.

it all hit me at once.

i wasn't going to be able to run another whole loop.

i wasn't going to be able to do it.

i wanted to cry, 

maybe i did.

i slowed to a walk.

i think i stubbed something, or rolled something, or hit something...

i don't remember.

i just remember the weight of defeat stopping me.

i couldn't do it.

i walked for a while.

the first loop dan had been up ahead.

i kept losing him.

he was having so much fun running the trail.

so was i, and i didn't care if he was right with me or not.

it was enjoyable.

when we began the second loop he stayed closer.

but in front of me.

i could always see him.

when i began walking he came back and checked on me, 

heard my discouragement.

he didn't say much.

but he continued on, keeping me within his sight whenever he turned around.

i didn't want him right with me.

i was disappointed in me enough.

i was discouraged enough.

i didn't need his encouragement - it would have made me feel worse.

i walked along.

wrestling with myself.

i knew it would be hard.

i knew i would get discouraged.

i knew i would hurt.

i knew i hadn't trained enough, but i couldn't change that now.

so i walked.

continued walking.

continued moving forward. 

until the lookout.

there i stopped.

i let the breeze hit my face.

i let the aches and pains rest for a moment.

i looked out at the water.

the trees.

i said hi to God.

He and i hadn't chatted on the run at all.

so i said Hi to him with tears in my eyes.

that was it.

just Hi.

Dan waited for me.

honestly, i only stopped for about a minute.

no more.

but that minute was what i needed.

we ran the rest to the road.

i wanted to walk the road, but because the road also began the last loop i had the option to walk it now or on the last loop.

i ran the road back to the car, and actually ran past the car to the outhouse, with way more speed than i thought i could muster.

i changed shoes and socks for the last loop.

dan refilled my hydration pack.

refilled his pack with some snacks for the last loop.

and we were off.

walking the road.

i would not run it at all.

not a chance.

when we got to the trail

it was as though i had this new energy.

it was exciting to be on it again.

i was still slow.

but in my head i was thinking maybe i could make this last one my fastest one.

i was going to try.

i ran up some of the smaller hills.

when dan noticed it i told him what my goal for the last lap was.

so on our way we went.

but i was tired.

my feet weren't lifting as high as they had been.

i was slightly tripping here and there.

my feet were grazing the roots or rocks more.

it got hard again.

the huge downhill i had loved on the first loop, just past 11k, wasn't as fun.

it was painful.

but i kept on.

kept chatting with dan.

i was going to complete it, and i knew it.

even though i was going so slow. 

then it happened.

we only had about a kilometre left i believe.

i stepped onto 2 logs to cross some mud.

my right foot slipped between them and my left foot sunk right into the mud.

as soon as my foot hit the mud...

immediate tears.

my right ankle hurt but the foot in the mud was all i could see through the tears.

my right ankle had rolled months ago and i still had issues with it now and then.

when it slipped it hurt so much.

i stood there

on the logs

crying.

sobbing.

dan came back to me

*he had never been far from reach*

and he took my hand.

we walked off the log bridge together and up the hill.

he didn't let go until i loosened my grip.

on the next hill he took my hand again.

he was the strength, i needed, helping me up.

i let go at the top of the hill

and hobbled/ran down and continued on my way.

he didn't take off ahead until we were near the car and that's because he knew i wanted him to be ready to stop the time as soon as i finished.

i wanted to finish strong.

i tried to run the last tiny hill, 

but i couldn't.  

i walked it and ran out of the trees.

i continued on across the field to dan waiting at the car.

8h17m

i had just run a 40k trail run.

and turned 40 all on the same day.

i didn't cry.

i was all cried out.

after the run i gulped my Vitargo Post that we bought at the Sport Lab

and we went for frosty's at Wendy's.

then home to my 'surprise' birthday party

*i say surprise but my little girl told me that lots of people were going to be at our house for my birthday*

full of family, friends, slacklinening, food, ice cream cakes, and live music by Deni Gauthier.

it was a great evening to end my birthday.

it was a hard run.

it has taken a few days to actually process the event in my mind.

it was highly emotional.

it was a mental endurance as well as physical.

i felt on the verge of tears for the first couple days after it.

i didn't want to really talk about it much with anyone.

one night it was as though the dam broke and i cried.

i cried hard.

and i talked with dan about everything i felt and went through on that run.

the next day i was good to go.

in fact while i was sweeping the living room i had a brief thought

"i should maybe go for a run tonight."

yeah... maybe not yet.

what, are you crazy?

*photos taken by me & dan q.

with Chester

*last 2 photos taken by elisa m. 

with Gertie.