"one of those days....."

one of those days...
one of those mornings to be exact.
i'm tired.
the boy is tired.
the girl is awake early and happy as can be.

i went to wake Elijah this morning and he actually got up quite quickly.
his sister was already at the table eating her Rice Krispies.
i made him his bagel with peanut butter.
things were going well.

finally i remembered to pray with them for the day.
why..
why does it feel like things go downhill after you pray.

i asked them to get dressed.
i got Elijah's shirt drawer open for him - it only has one handle on it, so he has problems opening it.
i got out Dakota's clothes.
she got dressed.
Elijah didn't.

he played with lego instead.
oh, he had a shirt under him on the floor.
he then started crying because i told him to stop playing and get his clothes.
for the rest of the morning everything became a fight.

he ended up having no play time before we went out to the bus.
the kids usually get about 5-10 minutes of indoor play before we put on our shoes and coats.
if they haven't fought at all.

he whined and cried getting on shoes.

ok.
let me pause here.
i am not the angel mom speaking softly and gently encouraging my kid.
with unlimited patience and smiles.
"oh he's just tired, everything will be peachy-keen" in my sing-song voice.

i get frustrated.
i will yell when i'm fed up with him not listening.
i let things add on to other things...
something dan and i have actually had a conversation about.. not to do that.
i want to cry.
and no, i did not want to drive him to school.

so, i did try.
i honestly tried to stay calm..
i failed.
and then it snowballs from there.
am i the only one who reacts like this?
it sure feels like this some days.

finally we got out.
they usually have about 7-10 minutes to play outside before the bus.
not today.
i had him grab his backpack from beside the door and bring it down to the end of the driveway.
dakota went to play.
happy-go-lucky.
elijah lugged his oh-so-heavy backpack full of bricks crying the whole time wanting me to take it "it's too heavy."
(it had less in it today than yesterday, and he was fine yesterday)
i waited, and watched for his bus.

he was half way across the driveway, finally, when his sister offered to do teamwork.
his reaction
"no" and snatch the backpack out of reach.

when he made it and then dropped it beside our fence post he cried.
i told him i could see his bus coming.
the tears flowed freely.
i picked him up.
i had made a comment about if he didn't whine all the way he might have had time to play.
he curled into me saying he didn't whine all the way.
the tears got harder as the bus stopped at the stop before ours.

"i don't want to go on the bus."
was his new cry.
now i wanted to cry.
all the emotions from last year came flooding back to me.
i began to fear that this crazy, fight of a morning has set him emotionally back.
however,
he didn't want to go on the bus, and he cried freely,
he got his backpack on and walked with me to the open bus doors.

our bus driver had this sad look on her face when she saw the tears.
"Its been one of those mornings"
i said.
she called up his wonderful, regular babysitter from the back and she came and sat with my weeping boy.

and they were off.
i started crying, quietly, as kota and i headed up to the house.
sometimes i feel like i failed my kids.
this morning i felt like that.
i honestly try..
i pray for strength.
i know elijah needs me to be calm.. he will calm faster.
i know it, but when i don't do it..
when i allow myself excuses..
"i'm tired too" "he listened yesterday" "he's 5.  not a baby"
.....

does anyone out there feel the same?
do you have "one of those days"?
or am i alone with this?

i know i am a good...great mom.
my kids know i love them, dearly.
mornings like this though are rough, emotionally.

i just want to cuddle my kids, and remind them over and over again how much i love them.
i know independence and consequences are needed...


please don't give me advice.
please if you're going to judge me - shut your trap and keep it to yourself.
just let me know you have these moments too.