guest blogger today: my daughter

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*i think this was to say "I love you grandma and grandpa"

i can only imagine.

i have a child in elementary school.
and one will be starting next year
this past friday i was at the local early years program
when i came home i checked facebook and read posts about the tragic event in connecticut
i had to find out what they were talking about.

wow.

so sad.

i felt sick to my stomach.
and thankful at the same time.
thankful that it was not my son's school.
i can't even imagine how the parents are feeling.
the loss and the hole in their lives that has formed.

at dinner we always ask a couple questions:
1. "what was your favorite part of the day?"
2. "what made you upset today?"
everyone answers the questions and sometimes the answers spark more discussion.

on friday i was asked what made me upset today.
i answered hearing about what happened in CT.
no discussion came from it.
on to the next person.

after dan mentioned that the same thing made him upset i finally asked the kids if they wanted to know what we were talking about.
they did.
i told them that a guy made a choice to hurt little kids.
that he went into their school with a gun wanting to hurt them.
and that he did hurt a lot of them.

my son stared at me.
behind those big blue eyes he was processing what i said.
my little girl cocked her head "did me make them dead?"
i said yes.

i told them that the mommies and daddies wouldn't be having dinner with their little ones like we were doing.
later when i put my daughter to bed i thanked God that i had my little one to kiss goodnight, and prayed for the families who have lost their children.
they kissed them goodbye before school but didn't get to hug them after school..or ever again.

i will not pretend to know their hurt.
i can, honestly, only imagine.

how did i get out of your tummy?

he hadn't been listening..

bedtime had been a fight.  

he had yelled at me. 

he had been crying for a while.

he was supposed to be sleeping.

i went into the room.

tucked him back in as the tears slowed.

he asked for some cuddle time, since we didn't have our cuddle time after school.

so i lay down.

"i love you baby boy"

"mommy i'm not a baby."

"i know.  but you were my baby boy, but now you're growing bigger."

he liked that answer and responded with his sweet smile.

then a little bit later

"mommy, how do babies get out of mommies tummies?"

big blue eyes staring at me questioningly.

"well, you know when you go poo?"

he nods

"when a mommy needs to get her baby out it's kind of like that.  

she pushes and a baby comes out kind of like a poo"

he laughs.

"gross eh?"

he nods and we laugh.

i told him i don't know why God made it so babies are born like that but that's what He wanted.

then we talked a little more. 

i told him how when i held him i fell in love with my little boy.  

he was the first baby i had ever had.

he was my baby boy.

his smile was so sweet as he listened.

i told him that if God was going to give me a boy and a girl that i wanted my boy first.

i wanted my little girl to have a big brother who loves her and takes care of her.

I told him that when he takes her hand and walks into sunday school, that's taking care of her.

him excited to take her on the bus and sit with her next year, that's taking care of her.

"but what about when she's inside and i'm outside.  i can't take care of her then."

i told him that he still loves her and that's what he can do when they're not together.

"mommy, when did you name me?"

"daddy and i had names chosen before you were born.

if you were going to be a girl we were going to name you Virginia Rose.

and if you were a boy you were named Elijah John.

all we knew was that we were having a baby.  

when you were born the doctor said you were a boy.

then she handed you to me and as soon as i held you i looked at you and said 

'hi Elijah John'."

"how did you hold me?"

i showed him how i would have been holding him.

"when i held you you took my finger and held it, because your hands were so tiny they couldn't hold more than that."

he looked at his hands.

i asked him if he wanted to know why we chose Elijah and John as his names.

he did.

"Elijah was a guy in the Bible. have you heard of him?"

he nodded.

"he loved God and told others about God.  and John.. we chose that name because that's Papa's name, and uncle John's, but i chose that because i love my daddy, he's an amazing man, and i wanted you to have his name."  

our discussion didn't last too much longer.  

he was so curious.

so happy to have me tell him about that first day.

how small he was. 

who were the first people to meet him.  

what he looked like.  

what i thought when i looked at him.

finally i asked him if he could sleep now.

he did and after a hug, he rolled over and i turned out his light.

times like these are so precious.

i am so thankful for these times.

love you baby boy.

winter wonderland

Let me set the stage:

early morning.

clouds covering the sky.

big white flakes falling slowly, contrasting the dark sky.

the ground which was icy and gray before sleep is now white and soft.

the sky lightens

the clouds stay.

the flakes continue to drift to the ground.

out we run!

yelling.

crunching under feet.

laughter.

giggles.

tongues out to catch the flakes.

bums drop to the ground to slide down the hill.

lifting knees high to run through the snow.

shovel scraping the ground as the driveway is being cleared.

up the, once dirt, hill 

sliding down the other side.

school bus arrives. 

off to school goes the older one.

the younger gets buried in a pile of white flakes as the driveway continues to get cleared.

finally it's time to sled!

little, mitted, hand holding the string

and pulling a, larger than her, sled.

on we get.

down we go!

mom on the sled.

the little one on her bum.

down to the little one's favorite sledding spot.

on she gets.

and...

down...

repeat.

on.

down....

repeat.

lots of laughter.

lots of giggles.

lots of snow eaten.

what a great time.

in the house.

eating a snack.

out the windows the sky is white.

the flakes are larger, 

fluffier, 

spinning, 

spiraling down to the ground.

the trails formed are now gone.

the driveway once cleared is covered again.

the trees have on their winter coats.

it truly is a winter wonderland out there.

whistlin'

i love listening to my kids play
when they're not fighting.

one of my favorite things to hear is
dakota playing and making up stories with the cars and horses.
changing her voice with each character.

the other is
elijah playing and making up stories with his cars and trucks
changing his voice with each character.

but my favorite thing these days is
elijah building something with lego
and whistling.

my dad is a whistler.

he whistles when he carries a tired baby
he whistles when he's cleaning.
he whistles when he's walking.
he whistles when he's just content and it's quiet.
i loved that as a kid.

now
my son is a whistler.

what to say...

i really don't know what i want to say today.

so what do you say when you don't know what to say...

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Firsts: girls day/play date

i have a mom.

she has a best friend.

the best friend has a daughter.

that daughter is like a little sister to me.

the 4 of us:

me-i, me, mom-mom, bff-lois, lil sis-erin

we have, over the years, had girls' days.

a day when the four of us spend some time together.

shopping, going out to lunch or dinner, Centre Island...

there was a break in years and then we finally went to see my brother's comedy show, at the Herongate.

then a few more years have passed.

this past saturday we got together again.

and my little girl came for her first ever girls' day.

it was a great day.

Christmas shopping in Barrie.

dakota and i drove south.

mom, lois and erin drove north.  

and we met.

hopefully we won't wait too long for the next girls day

Dakota had fun, and i'd say she was centre of attention, and loving it.

if saturday was Dakota's day...

Sunday was my little boy's day.

a lovely lady who is in our small group Bible study is actually grandma to Elijah's best school friend.

his friend, C, has a birthday this month.

grandma had a family birthday gathering and since C is the youngest she wanted him to have a friend to play with.

Elijah got the invite.

yesterday at noon Dan drove Elijah over to C's grandma's house.

Elijah didn't want daddy to leave, but we had discussed it already.

Dan was to be allowed to leave, with no tears from Elijah.

there were no tears.. thankfully.

Elijah had so much fun that he didn't want to leave when i went to pick him up.

this was Elijah's first play date with a friend he hadn't known since birth.

with a house full of people he didn't really know.

but C is his best friend and i think that he didn't care who else was around.

next weekend is C's birthday party at his mom's.

Elijah has asked that i stay with him for that.

i can do that if he needs me to.

he is still only 5.  

and a shy 5.

i don't expect him to be completely comfortable all the time, but i am so glad he is starting to be independent.

tired and cranky when he came home.

so we watched The Lorax and ate spaghetti and caesar salad.

the kids had a big weekend.

i'm tired.

dan's tired.

but it was a good weekend, lots of good memories, 

and seeing how our kids have grown up just a little more.