forgive me.

a few weeks ago we had a PA day here.

i was so excited for that day with the kids. 

we were going to bring dan and his co-workers some muffins.

then we were going to go to Tim Hortons for lunch.

and finally we'd head to Arrowhead Provincial Park for some skating and maybe snowshoeing or tubing.

those were the plans for the day.

the morning was spent playing in the living room, in jammies.

then time to get ready.

that's when it is now a blur of activity.

i can't recall exactly how and when things began to go downhill.

it just did.

clothes were not being put on... then snowpants etc were not going on.

arguing about everything was happening.

yes, they still wanted to go skating...

i snapped.

i screamed

i yelled.

i threw something.

i stomped up the stairs.

i slammed a door.

i ran to my room.

i cried.

i had a tantrum.

then i heard my boy (on his way to his room - where i had sent them) yell at his sister.

i stomped back downstairs

threw open his door.

pointed my finger in his face and told him not to scream at his sister like that.

i left his room and went back to my room in tears.

i wept.

i just did everything i tell the kids not to do.

i deserved that time out i was giving myself.

i saw my boy afraid when i pointed in his face.

why wouldn't he yell at his sister after the way i had just acted.

he was tired, scared, mad, frustrated too.

i sent dan a text to say we may not be there with the muffins for lunch.

he thought the kids were freaking out.

i let him know it was me.

and we'd be there when we could.

when i calmed down 

i took some deep breaths, asked God for some strength and headed down the stairs.

first to my girl's room.

i knocked and asked if i could enter.

when given permission i opened the door and saw my daughter sitting on her bed, 

surrounded by her stuffies, crying.

i sat facing her.

"i am so sorry."  

i told her i knew what i had done was wrong.

i mentioned that i know it's all the things we ask them not to do when they're tired and get frustrated.  

i apologized again 

(all the while, crying)

and asked my girl to forgive me for how i acted. 

she told me she forgave me and gave me the tightest hug ever.

i told her i love her.  she kissed me and told me she loves me.

she headed back to the basement to get her snow stuff on so we could go out still.

into the boy's room.

the tears were subsiding now.

i knocked on his door.

i heard his tiny voice tell me i could come in.

he was up on his loft bed.

i climbed the ladder and saw him curled up with his stuffies.  

puffy red eyes from crying.

i apologized to him.

i said similar things i had said to the girl.

except i added something for him.

'i am so sorry i pointed my finger in your face.  i saw how scared you were and i am so sorry for that."  we talked a little more.

i asked him to forgive me.

he hugged me and told me he did and he loves me.

i love him so much too.

i didn't bring up what made me frustrated in the first place.  

i didn't need to.

i needed to apologize to my kids. 

i sent myself to my room for a time out until i was ready to talk to them and apologize.

it was such a hard experience.

i had to apologize to my kids. 

i had to admit my fault.  and in no way pass the blame.

they weren't listening, sure.

but it was my choice to react as i did.  and i chose wrong.

i did not make the wise choice that day.

thankfully i did acknowledge it and humbly cried to God and then went to my kids.

the afternoon with the kids turned out amazing.

we had so much fun together.

i stopped stressing about schedule and allowed the day to happen as it would.

the girl and i skated one lap, then our toes were cold so we walked lap 2 while the boy skated.

carrying her skates on our walk around the skating loop.

time for some snowshoeing.

having fun on the snowshoe trail.

 that day has been a constant reminder for me. 

i was scared to tell anyone about it at first.

i felt like it was a failure as a mom... 

as a praying, Christ-loving/following mom.

here i do Bible time with the kids, pray with them, encourage them to make wise choices...

and i have a tantrum like a 2-3 year old.

i shared it with my small group in the thursday women's bible study.

they encouraged me.

it is not a failure.

the tantrum was not the right choice.

but the apologizing was. 

the asking for forgiveness was.

the example i was to my kids is most important.

admitting my wrong was the right thing to do.

but, wow, it was not easy.