some thinking about me

so, I'm going to be 36 this summer.

not a significant age except it's the one i'm turning.

I have been doing some thinking about me lately.

i heard once that at 30 a woman knows who she is.

She has confidence in who she is.

i struggle with what others think of me.

I always have.

other people's opinions have always mattered to me.

I've had phases when I don't care what others think and truly don't care.

but that is not me on a regular basis.

I am scared of disappointing others.

I shy from confrontation.

I compare myself to others.

I compare myself to other moms.

I just wrote about dan and I going bouldering.

the first thing i said as we grabbed the crash pads and headed to the rock was

"i don't look like I should be here."

it made me stop and think.

i think that about a lot of things.

I have dreads.

(a mother of 2 shouldn't have dreads)

I wear cords, tshirts and birkenstocks.

(she has no style)

i hate makeup.

(she needs make-up, she'd be pretty)

i wear surf shorts in the summer.

(she looks like a boy)

I love spoon rings.

(ugly things)

I love drama and escaping into a character.

(She is no good at that, someone should tell her)

I have a little girl who hits and pushes anyone smaller.

(she has no control over her kid)

I love to draw.

(that doesn't look like what she thinks it is at all...i don't see it)

I love to play catch with my husband - football or baseball

(she throws like a girl - her arm sucks)

the list could go on and on...

i need to be the woman i am, with confidence. 

I need to believe i am just who God made me to be.

I know I am just who God made me.

I have gifts and talents, and am good at many things.

I worked with youth and kids for years...

my passion was making sure that they have a confidence in who they are and encouraging them. 

I didn't want them to believe the lies I sometimes believe.

but..

some days it's so easy to fall and believe the lies.