mommy...why?

i woke this morning.

tired.

but still got up to journal and read Psalm 10.

the verse that stuck out to me this morning was:

v17

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted, 

you encourage them, and you hear their cry,

v18

defending the fatherless and the oppressed, 

in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no  more.

i felt good about the day ahead.

i said bye to dan.

i came down and woke my boy up.  

he couldn't find Piggie so i climbed up onto his loft bed and we looked for him.

didn't find him.

we came down and found him where he was hidden for hide n' seek the previous night.

headed to the table for breakfast.

honey nut cheerios.

my girl woke up and came out wiping her eyes.

big hugs from her.

we have to look for God (her lamb) later - she's probably wherever she had been hiding last night too.

breakfast.

laughter.

chatter.

munching of cereal.

then it was time to finish getting ready.

slowly.

the day was still good.  

then...

 we went down to get snowpants on.

i started to expect elijah to know what i was thinking.

and getting frustrated.

yes we were later getting outdoor stuff on, than usual, but not extremely late.

he wanted to keep 2 balloons that had deflated.

i told him they were going in the garbage.

he started crying.

i got angrier

more frustrated.

he had stopped getting snowpants on.

i was ready to go out.

kota was ready to go out.

(she didn't put snowpants on this morning) 

i was looking out the basement door.

annoyed.

'stupid deflated balloons..i should just take them and toss them now.'

were my thoughts.

then...

"mommy, why are you so angry with me?"

standing in the middle of the basement, 

snowpants on, 

neck warmer around his neck,

deflated balloons in his hands, 

sad eyes, 

pouting mouth, 

genuine question asked with a saddened voice.

one that had been filled with laughter when we were upstairs.

i went to him, 

he looked down.

his whole body sagged with sadness.

i helped him with his coat in silence, 

my mind shouting at me, 

'this is your boy, your 5 year old boy, he loves everything around him, these balloons are special to him, why were you getting so mad?  so what if he doesn't throw them out right away.'

i lifted his chin and looked into his sad blue eyes.

"i'm sorry.

i wasn't mad at you.

i was getting frustrated when i shouldn't have been.

you didn't do anything wrong.

you were just being a 5 year old boy.

you were being a kid.

i love you being a kid, but i wasn't letting you.

a kid finds excitement in life, in the things around him, and learning about it all"

he continued to look at me.

"i shouldn't have gotten mad at you.

that doesn't make anyone happy.

it makes you sad,

me sad,"

he continued.." kota sad, daddy sad, jack and clive sad..."

i finished, "God sad.  He wants me to have patience, 

but i didn't have any anymore did i?

thank you for reminding me how to be a kid."

after a great big hug, 

and kissing his nose

he goes...

"mommy, how about when i get home i will hug my balloons and then i'll throw them in the garbage."

how i love this boy.

what felt like it could have been a 'feel-like-a-failure-as-a-mother' morning was turned around by his one, little, sincere question.

sometimes i feel like all high and mighty..

'oh, i did devotions this morning, 

everything is going to go so smoothly now.'

so.

not.

true.

but the days when i do spend time in the Word...

i do find that i can see where God wants to work on or through me a little clearer.

and, although, still not easy peasy - 

but definitely not hopeless.