be still my heart

The kids were home from Streetwise

(our church's mid-week kids' program)

 around 8:15pm.

we were in their beds, looking at their Pokemon cards and then praying with them around 8:40pm.

i was with our boy last night.

i asked him to turn out his light at 8:55pm.

usually he is good with doing that...

usually.

but if he's reading a good book

(Lego characters encyclopedia, Geronimo Stilton, Calvin & Hobbes, Minecraft...)

he forgets to check the time.

i forgot to go in when i noticed the time.

i thought they had been asleep for about an hour when i heard an excited little voice.

did i really just hear a kid?

'Mommy, mommy, i want to tell you something."

i opened his door and looked at the clock.

9:55pm.

one hour after his light was to be out.

i asked him what he wanted to tell me.

"mommy, i found the verse.

the one we did tonight.

it isn't the exact same words, but i found it."

i realized he had been reading his Bible.

i don't know for how long, but that didn't matter.

it was an hour past lights out, but that didn't matter to me right then.

he was reading his Bible and wanted to read me the verse he found.

"ok, mommy, 

Its in Psalms.

All you who wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.

it's a little different than the one we did tonight...

i need to underline it."

"do you have a pen?"

keep in mind he's in his loft bed, so i can't see his little face.

"just a pencil..."

"want me to got you a pen or pencil crayon?"

"Ya..no, the pages are really skinny they'll rip.. i'll just use my pencil."

then after he underlined that he proceeded to find Psalm 56:3

His and his sister's favourite verse.

he was so excited.

I reminded him to find the verse then turn out his light and go to sleep.

I saw him peek over at his clock.

"Oh...it's almost 10.  that's late.  I didn't know."

listening to my boy get excited about finding the verse, 

reading it, 

underlining it so he'd remember it...

those are moments worth his late night.

*photo taken by me, 

with Gertie, 

no editing.

Lamb

last night i woke from my dream. 

"MOMMY!  MOMMY!"

down i went to my little girl.

she had a bad dream.

i found lammie for her as she moved over.

"mommy could you pray and sing 'mazing grace?"

i lay down with her.

"did you see i gave you lots of space so i could cuddle back in?"

i hugged her and began praying.

then it was time for 'mazing grace.

after, she whispered

"mommy, can you sing redeemer?"

There is a Redeemer

Jesus, God's own son...

"mommy, is it saying Jesus is a redeemer?"

'yes, because he is. when he died on the cross so we could one day live with him & God.'

"mommy, i hope...do you think when Jesus is all done making my house that he'll make me another lammie...so i don't miss lammie... but with big ears?"

**She has chewed lammie's ears right off**

'I don't think you'll need him to, but that would be cool, eh.'

she then asked if i would pray to ask God if he could ask Jesus to do that for her.

I did.

"ok, you can finish redeemer now."

There is a redeemer

Jesus, God's own son, 

precious lamb of God, Messiah...

"did you say lamb?"

"oh yeah, that's right, for The Lion and the Lamb."

i explained briefly why he is the lamb 

then as she cuddled closer i asked her:

'if Jesus is a lamb, couldn't you cuddle with him?'

she nodded.

i finished singing. 

we lay cuddled a little longer then 

'Mommy, i think i can fall asleep now."

i headed back up to my bed.

what a sweetheart.

her theology may not be spot on...

in fact my explaining may not be spot on.

but the conversations are there.

her mind is working it out as a 5 year old mind does.  

she surprises me with questions and comments regularly, 

and i love these moments.

 lammie (and bear) with big ears.

unfortunately she called me back down 15 minutes later.

i cuddled in, prayed and this time the request was Jesus loves me.

i sang it twice.  

we lay together for a bit, then i kissed her nose and she mumbled 

'i love you, see you in the morning."

kisses

My boy.

he's six.

he doesn't like me to kiss him.

*unless he's sick or very sad*

i am allowed hugs, 

although sometimes i have to threaten to kiss him if i don't get a hug.

he loves cuddle-time with mommy.

he loves to play with his cars, trains, transformers.

he fights with his sister.

he plays well with his sister.

he adores his daddy.

last night we had fought before bedtime.

i was tired, he was tired.

he wasn't listening to the simplest of things that came out of my mouth.

frustration ensued.

after i read to and prayed with his sister, 

i took a deep breath and walked into his room.

he was in bed crying.

i had sent him to bed without a story.

i climbed up into his loftbed and lay down beside him.

we chatted quietly.

cuddled for a bit and then i read him 

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

after, we prayed.

he prayed that God would help his daddy feel better, 

he thanked God that he got to do some bow and arrowing yesterday even though he was so cold.

he thanked God that he could come into the house and get warm after being so cold.

amen.

i prayed and then we said good night.

he was giving bear kisses.

i told him that i would love some kisses, but i had to promise that i wouldn't give any back.

he kissed me all over my face..my cheeks, my nose, my eyes, my mouth, my chin.

i laughed and said that for a kid who doesn't like getting kisses he sure liked giving them.

he smiled, his sweet smile.

"i like to give them..."

shyness shone through, 

"to someone i love."

*heart melted*

 *photos taken with Gertie, 

by me.

reminder from my girl.

On Sunday i went with my little girl to Canadian Tire.

While driving there i told her i just needed to return an item.

she asked me if she could stay in the car while i did that.

i told her no she had to come in with me.

"but you're just bringing that back and i can wait here for you."

i told her she wasn't allowed to wait in the car by herself.

she wouldn't be by herself. "i have lammie"

i told her lammie isn't an adult.

"but i have lammie and God."

my initial thought was god doesn't count.

she has a stuffed lamb whose name is god.  

that's right. 

a lamb named god.

"do you mean you have lammie and god your lamb?"

she laughed and told me no.  

she meant God, God.  

she proceeded to tell me that with lammie and God in the car with her she should be allowed to stay.

God is with her every where she goes.

He watches over her.

and takes care of her.

she told me then that no matter what God is with her.

"i can't hide from God."

i asked her if Jonah tried to run away from God.

"yeah, but he forgot that you can't run away from God, because God is already there. 

He sees you everywhere."

*there was more to the conversation, about the police, and about having an adult with her..

but those were the key points.*

thank you for the reminder little one.

-she forgot about her argument.  she did come in with me.-

mommy...why?

i woke this morning.

tired.

but still got up to journal and read Psalm 10.

the verse that stuck out to me this morning was:

v17

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted, 

you encourage them, and you hear their cry,

v18

defending the fatherless and the oppressed, 

in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no  more.

i felt good about the day ahead.

i said bye to dan.

i came down and woke my boy up.  

he couldn't find Piggie so i climbed up onto his loft bed and we looked for him.

didn't find him.

we came down and found him where he was hidden for hide n' seek the previous night.

headed to the table for breakfast.

honey nut cheerios.

my girl woke up and came out wiping her eyes.

big hugs from her.

we have to look for God (her lamb) later - she's probably wherever she had been hiding last night too.

breakfast.

laughter.

chatter.

munching of cereal.

then it was time to finish getting ready.

slowly.

the day was still good.  

then...

 we went down to get snowpants on.

i started to expect elijah to know what i was thinking.

and getting frustrated.

yes we were later getting outdoor stuff on, than usual, but not extremely late.

he wanted to keep 2 balloons that had deflated.

i told him they were going in the garbage.

he started crying.

i got angrier

more frustrated.

he had stopped getting snowpants on.

i was ready to go out.

kota was ready to go out.

(she didn't put snowpants on this morning) 

i was looking out the basement door.

annoyed.

'stupid deflated balloons..i should just take them and toss them now.'

were my thoughts.

then...

"mommy, why are you so angry with me?"

standing in the middle of the basement, 

snowpants on, 

neck warmer around his neck,

deflated balloons in his hands, 

sad eyes, 

pouting mouth, 

genuine question asked with a saddened voice.

one that had been filled with laughter when we were upstairs.

i went to him, 

he looked down.

his whole body sagged with sadness.

i helped him with his coat in silence, 

my mind shouting at me, 

'this is your boy, your 5 year old boy, he loves everything around him, these balloons are special to him, why were you getting so mad?  so what if he doesn't throw them out right away.'

i lifted his chin and looked into his sad blue eyes.

"i'm sorry.

i wasn't mad at you.

i was getting frustrated when i shouldn't have been.

you didn't do anything wrong.

you were just being a 5 year old boy.

you were being a kid.

i love you being a kid, but i wasn't letting you.

a kid finds excitement in life, in the things around him, and learning about it all"

he continued to look at me.

"i shouldn't have gotten mad at you.

that doesn't make anyone happy.

it makes you sad,

me sad,"

he continued.." kota sad, daddy sad, jack and clive sad..."

i finished, "God sad.  He wants me to have patience, 

but i didn't have any anymore did i?

thank you for reminding me how to be a kid."

after a great big hug, 

and kissing his nose

he goes...

"mommy, how about when i get home i will hug my balloons and then i'll throw them in the garbage."

how i love this boy.

what felt like it could have been a 'feel-like-a-failure-as-a-mother' morning was turned around by his one, little, sincere question.

sometimes i feel like all high and mighty..

'oh, i did devotions this morning, 

everything is going to go so smoothly now.'

so.

not.

true.

but the days when i do spend time in the Word...

i do find that i can see where God wants to work on or through me a little clearer.

and, although, still not easy peasy - 

but definitely not hopeless.

how did i get out of your tummy?

he hadn't been listening..

bedtime had been a fight.  

he had yelled at me. 

he had been crying for a while.

he was supposed to be sleeping.

i went into the room.

tucked him back in as the tears slowed.

he asked for some cuddle time, since we didn't have our cuddle time after school.

so i lay down.

"i love you baby boy"

"mommy i'm not a baby."

"i know.  but you were my baby boy, but now you're growing bigger."

he liked that answer and responded with his sweet smile.

then a little bit later

"mommy, how do babies get out of mommies tummies?"

big blue eyes staring at me questioningly.

"well, you know when you go poo?"

he nods

"when a mommy needs to get her baby out it's kind of like that.  

she pushes and a baby comes out kind of like a poo"

he laughs.

"gross eh?"

he nods and we laugh.

i told him i don't know why God made it so babies are born like that but that's what He wanted.

then we talked a little more. 

i told him how when i held him i fell in love with my little boy.  

he was the first baby i had ever had.

he was my baby boy.

his smile was so sweet as he listened.

i told him that if God was going to give me a boy and a girl that i wanted my boy first.

i wanted my little girl to have a big brother who loves her and takes care of her.

I told him that when he takes her hand and walks into sunday school, that's taking care of her.

him excited to take her on the bus and sit with her next year, that's taking care of her.

"but what about when she's inside and i'm outside.  i can't take care of her then."

i told him that he still loves her and that's what he can do when they're not together.

"mommy, when did you name me?"

"daddy and i had names chosen before you were born.

if you were going to be a girl we were going to name you Virginia Rose.

and if you were a boy you were named Elijah John.

all we knew was that we were having a baby.  

when you were born the doctor said you were a boy.

then she handed you to me and as soon as i held you i looked at you and said 

'hi Elijah John'."

"how did you hold me?"

i showed him how i would have been holding him.

"when i held you you took my finger and held it, because your hands were so tiny they couldn't hold more than that."

he looked at his hands.

i asked him if he wanted to know why we chose Elijah and John as his names.

he did.

"Elijah was a guy in the Bible. have you heard of him?"

he nodded.

"he loved God and told others about God.  and John.. we chose that name because that's Papa's name, and uncle John's, but i chose that because i love my daddy, he's an amazing man, and i wanted you to have his name."  

our discussion didn't last too much longer.  

he was so curious.

so happy to have me tell him about that first day.

how small he was. 

who were the first people to meet him.  

what he looked like.  

what i thought when i looked at him.

finally i asked him if he could sleep now.

he did and after a hug, he rolled over and i turned out his light.

times like these are so precious.

i am so thankful for these times.

love you baby boy.